I want to stand up where I can see the world. See the pain, the lies, the false love of those we walk among every day.

                You’re dead.

 

                                My actions can’t hurt me because I’m not real. This world is not real, yet I see it like it’s mine.  I want to go back home now. I want to wake up from this nightmare and be happy again. Seven years have passed and I haven’t found a way. This is looking so hopeless and I’m scared.

                Give me something to hold onto. Show me that this is worth the fight.

                                                So alone.

You made excuses to see me. You would go the long way out of the office just to walk by my desk and see me. When we went out for casual drinks, you drove me home even though I was willing to drive myself. When we got to my house, you walked me up, told me how much you enjoyed the night, hugged me and wished me a goodnight. You smiled so big when we finally kissed -- a real smile, a happy smile. You stayed with me as late and as long as you could because it hurt to be away. We laughed together at everything. One night, as we were laid down to go to sleep, you grabbed me from behind, held me and whispered "I love you" for the first time. You stopped me when I tried to take things further because you thought it was best that we wait a little longer, that you loved me more than that. You went shopping because I asked you to, and you never once complained; in fact, you helped me pick outfits and told me which colors compliment me. You would sneak kisses at work when no one was looking. You rubbed my back when I got worried. No one had every done that for me before. You took me home to meet your family and I could see how proud you were to have me there. You carried me out of the concert that you were so excited to go to because I had been injured. You never once complained for missing the show. Instead, you sat with me in the back and rubbed my badly bruised feet, then called a cab to go back to the hotel so I could lay down. You complimented my cooking even when it was burned. You never made me feel bad about myself, even when I was going crazy for no reason, you made me understand that you still love me no matter my mood. 

Now I don't know where we are. I want all of this back. I'm sorry that I messed up. Forgive me.

5 days later, I initiate contact by asking for a clear relationship status update. His response was basically "I don't know". Not sure what that means, but it doesn't look good and therefore affirming my earlier sense of things between us being over. The thought of never reaching to the other side of my bed and feeling his warmth there tears me apart. The confidence in myself growing when he's with me. Gone. I've always known he was too good for me. We come from two different places. He being raised in a wealthy -- yet emotionally closed -- family, and me from a communicative, tight-knit, poor family. He's my complete opposite in nearly every way. But I loved it. He is the only guy that I've dated that treated me with respect and love.

My problem is that now, I feel like my mood swings are going insane. One minute, I'm determined to take this as a learning experience and use the time I will have to do other things that I love. The next, I'm a complete emotional wreck. I want to call him and beg him not to go; to stay and never leave me again... then I want to call him, tell him that I respect his decision and that I wish him the best. But that would be a lie.